Stop Saying “You’re Smart!” – Say This Instead
Have you ever told your child, “You’re so smart!”? Although this praise comes from a good place, it can actually be detrimental to your child’s long-term growth. Research conducted by psychologist Carol Dweck indicates that complimenting intelligence fosters a fragile sense of confidence, whereas acknowledging effort cultivates resilience. So Stop Saying You’re Smart
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“Don’t say ‘You’re smart.’ Say ‘You worked hard.’ One creates fear of failure, the other creates courage to try.”
Why Results-Based Praise Can Be Counterproductive
When we say things like “You’re so smart” or “You have a natural talent,” children may come to believe that their value is tied to perfection. This mindset leads them to shy away from challenges, fearing that failure will reveal they aren’t as smart as they thought. This results in a fixed mindset—the idea that abilities are set in stone.
Children who receive praise for their intelligence often give up easily when faced with tough tasks. They might think, “If I’m truly smart, this should be simple. Since it’s challenging, I must not be smart.”
The Impact of Process-Oriented Praise
Instead of saying, “You’re so smart!” consider saying, “I’m proud of the effort you put into solving this problem.” This small change helps children understand that hard work and perseverance are more important than innate talent. It fosters a growth mindset—the belief that skills can be improved through commitment and effort.
Process-oriented praise focuses on:
- Effort: “You didn’t give up even when it was difficult”
- Strategy: “I like how you tried different approaches”
- Progress: “Look how much you’ve improved since last month”
- Persistence: “Your practice is really paying off”
Examples of Effective Praise
Instead of:
“You’re so smart! You got an A!”
Say: “Your studying strategy really worked. I noticed you reviewed your notes every day.”
Instead of:
“You’re a natural artist!”
Say: “I can see how much time you spent on the shading. It made your drawing come alive.”
Instead of:
“You’re the best player!”
Say: “Your footwork has improved so much since you started practicing those drills.”
“Celebrate the struggle, not just the success.”
The Long-Term Impact
Kids who are given process-focused praise build resilience, welcome challenges, and keep going despite obstacles. They realize that talent is merely the beginning—it’s the effort that brings about mastery. Research indicates that these kids perform better academically and have improved emotional control.
Begin today by recognizing and appreciating the effort that goes into every success, rather than just the results.Want more parenting strategies? Visit our Breaking News page for daily tips.
1. Won’t my child feel bad if I don’t tell them they’re smart?
Not at all! You’re still recognizing their achievements, just in a more empowering way. Children feel valued when they see you notice their hard work. Saying “You worked so hard on this project” is more meaningful than “You’re smart” because it acknowledges something they actively did. They learn their efforts matter, which builds genuine self-esteem based on actions, not labels.
2. What if my child really didn’t put in much effort but still succeeded?
This is a great teaching moment! You can say, “That came easily to you. Let’s find something more challenging so you can really stretch your abilities.” This prevents them from seeking only easy tasks. If they succeeded through natural ability, acknowledge it but don’t make it the focus: “You have a good foundation in math. Now let’s see what happens when you really push yourself with harder problems.”
3. How do I praise effort when my child tried hard but failed?
Separate effort from outcome: “I’m really proud of how you prepared for this test. You studied every night and tried your best. The result wasn’t what we hoped, but your work ethic is fantastic. Let’s figure out what study strategies might work better next time.” This teaches that failure isn’t the opposite of success—it’s part of learning. Effort is always valuable, even when results aren’t perfect.
“When you praise the process, you teach resilience. When you praise the result, you teach fear.”
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